This Christmas while everyone, including myself, is busy with all of the seasonal craziness of present buying, stressing out, wrapping till the wee hours, work and family parties, crossing of your list's, please remember to sit back and enjoy the company around you.

This will be my family's first Christmas without my brother. Even though I didn’t see him every day, every week, or even every month for that matter, this time of year is hitting me hard. Please hug your family a little tighter, a little longer, tell them you love them, even if you can’t stand ‘em, and make sure they know the best present of all, as cliché as it sounds, is being able to enjoy each other’s company.

I’ll miss my brother, always the patient one, helping my children untie the million twisties that come on all the toys, playing the new video games with the boys, making fun of me for staying in my pajamas all day, and our annual making jokes about the silly things my mom insists on putting in our stockings (yes we still got stockings) every year, (flashlights, socks, window scrapers, just to name a few J ).

A couple years ago on Christmas my brother and I decided to have some Captain Morgan’s at my mom’s house. We decided not to tell mom, even though we were each of drinking age, as she was wanted us to “behave” and Gabe and I don’t have the best track record for drinking together and behaving. We kept sneaking out to the garage like 16 yr olds laughing and putting a little Captain in our coke (pepsi for Gabe) and randomly doing the Captain stance all over my mom’s house, and she had no idea what was going on. This seems like a silly and insignificant story, but it was one of our last Christmas’s together and makes me smile every time I think about my brother asking, “do you have a little Captain in ya” and then hearing his loud laugh.

I also remember a Christmas when my brother needed a ride somewhere and I was too selfish to take him out that far and was annoyed that he was asking me to take time out of my Christmas Eve to drive him anywhere, so I would only agree to take him to the bus station, and it was the first time he ever got upset with me. Gabe, I just want you to know I would take you around the world 10 times and back this year if I could see you one more time. I would realize life is too short and that this drive would have only meant extra time for him and I to talk or to see him smiling or laughing.

I still remember some of  “his” ornaments from when we were kids. He had one with Santa driving a fire truck, one with a little farmer boy dressed in green with Gabriel painted on the hat and mine was a little angel with Sara painted on the feet (it was always spelled wrong) and I would have to make sure those two ornaments were always hung by each other. He also had one with a boy looking through a snowy window into a store, and then as he got older many Star Wars ornaments to follow. If I wanted to put the star on the tree, Gabe never argued and always let me do the honors.

Gabe, I hope this year you are looking down on us and celebrating in your own way. I envision you in a blue adidas sweatshirt, a tobagan, and a turn table mixing up some music for everyone, I'm sure you are the life of a party somewhere. where ever that may be. If I could see you one more time and tell you how happy I am right now and share my happiness with you, I would never need another present for a lifetime. I hope you know we are missing you and the craziness you brought to our family. You always knew how to put a smile on everyone’s face and you are missed immensely. Love you so much brother. Please put a good word in to keep the snow away! You always loved sledding and this time of year, and you know I hate this weather J

I hope you knew.

To my brother.

I hope you knew I loved you.
I hope you knew how much we cared about you.
I hope you knew I thought about you often and worried about you more.
I hope you knew your niece and nephews thought you were the funniest Uncle ever!

I hope you know that I felt guilty for laughing and smiling today, but I know you wouldn't want me crying anymore. I miss the times when we were kids and had no air conditioning growing up and we would sit in your room and get mad that mom and dad had a window unit in their room, and all we had was a fan. I know you remember those summers when it was 99 degrees and dad would tell us that's what the pool was for. I miss sitting on your top bunk when you would have friends over and I would just watch you guys play video games for hours and you didn't make me leave. I remember when you first showed me where mom and dad hid the Christmas presents and made me promise not to tell. I remember going into your room and stealing your Abercrombie shirts to wear because I thought they were so cool and I didn't care that they were from the guys department. We used to sit in your room and stay up late and listen to Pearl Jam and Smashing Pumpkins before you started liking all that rave techno shit I hated. Do you remember the canoe trip with dad where there was a log jam every mile and the camping trip when he scared you guys in the truck? I know you would remember those, we would be cracking up right now at that. I have so many good  memories of us together.

I know you struggled in life and made decisions that didn't lead you down the "right" paths all the time. I know things didn't come easy to you. I know you lived with an addiction that you couldn't fight all the time. I wish I couldl've helped you more Gabe. I'd give anything right now to have you with me laughing and smiling and I just want to give you one more hug and have you mess up my hair because you know I hated that. It's funny that all the things that someone did to annoy you, you miss the most. I'm so sorry I didn't call you more, or see you as often as I should have. I would. I really would. I took you for granted and thought you were invincible. You were my big brother and I always thought you'd be there no matter what.

I'm trying to find peace in knowing that you are no longer struggling with your addiction and you feel no pain, physcially or emotionally. I love you Gabe, I miss you.