This Christmas while everyone, including myself, is busy with all of the seasonal craziness of present buying, stressing out, wrapping till the wee hours, work and family parties, crossing of your list's, please remember to sit back and enjoy the company around you.

This will be my family's first Christmas without my brother. Even though I didn’t see him every day, every week, or even every month for that matter, this time of year is hitting me hard. Please hug your family a little tighter, a little longer, tell them you love them, even if you can’t stand ‘em, and make sure they know the best present of all, as cliché as it sounds, is being able to enjoy each other’s company.

I’ll miss my brother, always the patient one, helping my children untie the million twisties that come on all the toys, playing the new video games with the boys, making fun of me for staying in my pajamas all day, and our annual making jokes about the silly things my mom insists on putting in our stockings (yes we still got stockings) every year, (flashlights, socks, window scrapers, just to name a few J ).

A couple years ago on Christmas my brother and I decided to have some Captain Morgan’s at my mom’s house. We decided not to tell mom, even though we were each of drinking age, as she was wanted us to “behave” and Gabe and I don’t have the best track record for drinking together and behaving. We kept sneaking out to the garage like 16 yr olds laughing and putting a little Captain in our coke (pepsi for Gabe) and randomly doing the Captain stance all over my mom’s house, and she had no idea what was going on. This seems like a silly and insignificant story, but it was one of our last Christmas’s together and makes me smile every time I think about my brother asking, “do you have a little Captain in ya” and then hearing his loud laugh.

I also remember a Christmas when my brother needed a ride somewhere and I was too selfish to take him out that far and was annoyed that he was asking me to take time out of my Christmas Eve to drive him anywhere, so I would only agree to take him to the bus station, and it was the first time he ever got upset with me. Gabe, I just want you to know I would take you around the world 10 times and back this year if I could see you one more time. I would realize life is too short and that this drive would have only meant extra time for him and I to talk or to see him smiling or laughing.

I still remember some of  “his” ornaments from when we were kids. He had one with Santa driving a fire truck, one with a little farmer boy dressed in green with Gabriel painted on the hat and mine was a little angel with Sara painted on the feet (it was always spelled wrong) and I would have to make sure those two ornaments were always hung by each other. He also had one with a boy looking through a snowy window into a store, and then as he got older many Star Wars ornaments to follow. If I wanted to put the star on the tree, Gabe never argued and always let me do the honors.

Gabe, I hope this year you are looking down on us and celebrating in your own way. I envision you in a blue adidas sweatshirt, a tobagan, and a turn table mixing up some music for everyone, I'm sure you are the life of a party somewhere. where ever that may be. If I could see you one more time and tell you how happy I am right now and share my happiness with you, I would never need another present for a lifetime. I hope you know we are missing you and the craziness you brought to our family. You always knew how to put a smile on everyone’s face and you are missed immensely. Love you so much brother. Please put a good word in to keep the snow away! You always loved sledding and this time of year, and you know I hate this weather J

I hope you knew.

To my brother.

I hope you knew I loved you.
I hope you knew how much we cared about you.
I hope you knew I thought about you often and worried about you more.
I hope you knew your niece and nephews thought you were the funniest Uncle ever!

I hope you know that I felt guilty for laughing and smiling today, but I know you wouldn't want me crying anymore. I miss the times when we were kids and had no air conditioning growing up and we would sit in your room and get mad that mom and dad had a window unit in their room, and all we had was a fan. I know you remember those summers when it was 99 degrees and dad would tell us that's what the pool was for. I miss sitting on your top bunk when you would have friends over and I would just watch you guys play video games for hours and you didn't make me leave. I remember when you first showed me where mom and dad hid the Christmas presents and made me promise not to tell. I remember going into your room and stealing your Abercrombie shirts to wear because I thought they were so cool and I didn't care that they were from the guys department. We used to sit in your room and stay up late and listen to Pearl Jam and Smashing Pumpkins before you started liking all that rave techno shit I hated. Do you remember the canoe trip with dad where there was a log jam every mile and the camping trip when he scared you guys in the truck? I know you would remember those, we would be cracking up right now at that. I have so many good  memories of us together.

I know you struggled in life and made decisions that didn't lead you down the "right" paths all the time. I know things didn't come easy to you. I know you lived with an addiction that you couldn't fight all the time. I wish I couldl've helped you more Gabe. I'd give anything right now to have you with me laughing and smiling and I just want to give you one more hug and have you mess up my hair because you know I hated that. It's funny that all the things that someone did to annoy you, you miss the most. I'm so sorry I didn't call you more, or see you as often as I should have. I would. I really would. I took you for granted and thought you were invincible. You were my big brother and I always thought you'd be there no matter what.

I'm trying to find peace in knowing that you are no longer struggling with your addiction and you feel no pain, physcially or emotionally. I love you Gabe, I miss you.

Sometimes...

Sometimes I would like to freeze my children at the ages they are now.... 
I want to be able to always carry them downstairs in the morning or upstairs at night.
I want my hand to always be bigger than my son's.
I want to always stand taller than my daughter when I brush her hair.
I want to give them piggy back rides.
I want to fit comfortably with all three of them in a queen size bed.
I want them to ask for sprinkles at Dairy Queen. and a face :)
I want them to pick out the biggest pumpkin and not be able to carry it.
I want them to ask for Frosted Flakes and Honey nut Cheerios mixed together for breakfast.
I want them to argue over who gets to lick the spoons first when we bake.
I want them to be so excited about the tooth fairy that they use an entire roll of toilet paper to get their tooth out. Even though it probably wasn't ready for weeks.
I want them to understand that the tooth fairy didn't come because she couldn't see your tooth since it was still waded up in that big roll of paper.
I want them to want to be a professional soccer or football or basketball player when they grow up. There is nothing wrong with dreams.
I never want them to grow up..:)

thanks

In a thankful mood this morning. This doesn't happen very often, usually I'm more in the mood to think about what I don't have, or what I want or what I think I absolutley can't live without. Instead this morning I feel thankful.

Thankful for my son telling me when the two of us when to Kings Island alone, that it was the best time ever because, " we rode in the very front of every roller coaster we rode!, and we got to share a footlong pretzel dog, and he forced me on white water canyon so I could look like I peed my pants all day !"

Thankful for my 7 year old who still let's me carry him downstairs every morning to get him to the table for breasfast. And that the highlight of this kid's day is to have someone, ANYONE, play a game with him, or throw him a baseball or football.

Thankful for my daughter telling me yesterday on my way home,  the dishes were in the dishwasher and the boys had done their homework and she had made grilled cheese and soup and mine was in the microwave so it didn't get cold.

Thankful my dad has found someone who he is tryluy happy with in his life, and to hear him be excited about his new puppy he can't wait to show the kids.

Thankful my husband took us to three different ice cream stores the other night so everyone was satisfied. ...and then I ended up with a smoothie.

Thankful I have friends who help me drive my kids around to practices every night so I can take turns seeing all my kids in their sports. We can't be four places at once.

You may or may not have known..

• I hate licorice, not just the black licorice,I also hate twizzlers, even the rainbow kind. But, I wish I liked them, I've told myself I like them, I've tried them over and over, I just don't like them. I don't even like to use them as a straw.
• I hate coffee. This is something that irritates me severely, I'm not in the "coffee" club at work, I can't say I'm going to starbucks to buy a 4 $ mocha latte whipped..something something. I don't like it. I do enjoy hot chocoalte and I pretend like it's coffee. Is this the same as when I smoked cigarettes in 8th grade and pretended to inhale to look cool?? Do we ever change people? (fyi.. I don't smoke anymore) but I'm obviously still trying to fit in, which I can't figure that out.
• I know way too much about what goes on with Miley, Selena Gomez, and Demi Lovato, if you don't know them, they are on Disney and I'm slighty interested in their shows. I can't help it. I caught myself asking my daughter is Oliver was still going out with Lily and did Blue Jeans get to come to California.-Sad, sad, sad.
• I have been in the Insurance Field for 10 years, and although I complain about my work, I am sincerely thankful that I have a job with this economy and job market. I wake up every day and when I think i can't get out of bed, I tell myself , "Sarah, you have to eat, and your kids need a house, get up."

• I really want to go on a family vacation to Wyoming, I've never been horseback riding, and I would love to take my family on a vacation "out west" and stop at the many shops along the road on the way there. My family has not allowed this trip to happen, for some reason they aren't as excited about riding horses all day and sitting around a camp fire at night looking at the stars, I think it sounds amazing. 

• I want to travel . I want to go to a foreign country and eat at the little stands they have set up and wonder what I'm actually eating. (I won't drink the water). I want to hike in Hawaii on the volcanos, sit on the beach in mexico, drink a beer in ireland, and have a glass of wine in Italy while riding in a gondola
• I wish my parents were still married. I thought at 28 I would be over it, I'm not.
• I am selfish.
• I have a hard time deciding what I want to eat when I go out because I love food, and everything looks good to me.
• I love to read.
• I draw pokemon characters with my boys.
• I worry what I'll do when my kids are out of the house, I've never lived alone in my entire life. I had 3 kids by the time I was 21.
• I want my kids to be well rounded, I want them to enjoy waffle house as much as they like Bravo.
• I never want my kids to struggle as hard as I have over the past 10 years, but if they do I hope I can be there for them as much as my  mom has been for me.

• I love taking my kids places, I hate sitting around doing nothing, I can take a couple hours of tv, then I'm ready to go for the day, movies, kings island, hiking, swimming, ...which leads me to say I hate weather in Ohio. I get so bored in the winter. I loathe cold weather.
• I hate the way I look when I'm not tan. I've never minded my freckles.
• I would get eyeliner tattooed if I was brave enough, because as my kids say, mom you look much better with make up.
• I love flowers.
• I love watching movies.
• I want to freeze my kids at the ages they are now, and never see them hurt by relationships or the real world, I enjoy the fact that their biggest worry is what kind of cereal we have or is the battery is charged in their scooter.

• My daighter is one of the kindest, most caring person you will ever meet in your life. She is special  and amazing. I don't tell her this enough.
• On the other hand, my daughter and I can fight like cats and dogs, ughh, she can be so much like me. 
•  If I read a book and the movie doesn't follow, I get very upset.
• I've learned it's not as important to have 15 or 20 so so friends as it is to have a couple very good ones who are there no matter what.
• I tell people everything about me.
• I'm horrible at keeping secrets.
• I love playing games and I'm very competitive, in fact everyone in my family is. I'm the queen of Taboo!!!
• I sometimes worry too much about the past and the future that I forget to live in the present.

Moving and New Schools.

enjoying the new house :)

Dining room, which we have lived here since august 1st , and have yet to "dine" in :)

View into the kitchen, the kids must be asleep or not here since they are always in the itchen :)

living room- you can see sponge bob on the tv and julian's knee poking up:)walls are still empty, getting there.

OK, so I finally feel like I'm "all" moved in, I mean of course there are a few boxed in the garage, which I'll probably get to in the next few months, but nothing that seems pressing for me to do right this minute. The two boxes are full of clothes, which i keep thinking if I can do without them, I probably won't wear them once I get them in my closet anyway, since I tend to wear the same 5 outfits everyday to work, and the same thing on weekends, which consists of shorts and usually a kids sprots team related t shirt. I love love love living so close to work, however, please tell me why someone who lives literally 3 minutes from work is still late every day? I don't know, I can't answer this question.

The kids have all started at a new school, Aubrey is in junior high, and thinks it's crazy that she has to change classes 6 times a day, Ohhh how I remember those days, she was pumped the first day in her new outfit, new shoes, ready to go. Today is the second week of school , not so pumped, tired, and the biggest fit of the day because she couldn't find one of the ten brushes we own. Seriously how do you own ten brushes and we can never find one, I know it's aubs or me loosing them, the boys do not even brush their hair!! I'm lucky that they brush their teeth.

SO.... my son corban tells me that someone in his class can't eat until 4:00 everyday, i then ask "he can't eat after 4 or he cant eat before 4?", he says "he cant eat till after 4", then my daughter who is an expert says, well "if he's indian, he probably is fasting", I'm like how do you know, she says" I know people at school who are fasting". All i'm saying is, there's no way I could wait until 4 to eat. Then while we were still on the discussion of lunches at school, my youngest, Corban , who is 7, says, I want to pack everyday unless they are having beef rib a que on bun or hot dog on bun. Gross. That's all I can say. Who makes a piece of meat that is supposed to look like it has bones formed like the mcdonalds rib a que, then I find out it's my son's favorite at school meal?????